Well, it has been a busy week. There is a lot I need to do including a load of reading for my dissertation tomorrow which I have not even started. I've been trying to order my transcripts online from the American university I just completed an exchange at without much success. My printer (new as of September I might add) has decided to stop working on me. I need to print, sign, scan and e mail back a form before they will let me have the privilege of paying $2.50 for my transcript to be (hopefully) faxed to my advisor here. It's not the money that is pissing me off, just the lengthly process which means everything needs to be signed stamped cross checked and filed before anything happens.

A little background: I am in my third (technically fourth) year of an American Studies degree at an English university. What is American Studies I hear you ask? Why it is mainly composed of literature history and politics but you can pretty much take it in any direction. You can do classes in cultural studies, film studies, sociology, women's studies, learn Spanish. I chose it because I did not want to limit myself and I wanted to live abroad (year's exchange is a compulsory part of the degree), not just travel as a tourist. *end memorized speel* Now I am working out what I want to do with it. My boyfriend is still out in America and has 2 years left atleast. I want to do a Master's degree preferably in English and Creative Writing, so I am beginning the process of applying to the University I did my exchange at. The long distance thing is tough so I really don't want to have to do it after this year. Another degree is pretty much my only path back there other than getting married which, ultimately yes we are heading in that direction, but neither of us are ready for that yet. I will just be so glad when I don't have to face the American Embassy any more. I can understand security measures, I really can and I have absolutely nothing to hide but I hate filling in all those forms and the process is very intimidating.

Like I said, the long distance thing seems almost unbearably tough at times. It is a huge jump to seeing someone you love every single day, waking up next to them each morning all that to just...well, not. We talk on Instant Messenger, exchange e mails, send letters, cards and care packages when we can afford international postage. Occasional phone calls, but neither of us can afford outrageous phone bills. We would use webcams which we both bought with the intention of saving money on phone bills. But I live on campus and the bandwidth is restricted so mine does not work. Yeah, it is really hard, but I would rather go through this than feel nothing. Ultimately we will end up together and we talk about this. It gives hope and strength to both of us. This is the first time I have been in a relationship and been completely open and honest, shown 100% of the real me and it is amazing to be loved for who you really are. I don't want to gush or resort to romance novel cliches but I am so happy. I'll be flying out for new years which I  really cannot wait for. So it is simply a question of getting through this lag time.

Another strategy as well as regular contact with him, is distraction tactics. I find it helps to try and take my mind off things rather than just crying in my room, missing him. Yes, I have been there but atleast by throwing myself into my work I am getting stuff done and improving my chances of getting out there for a Master's. In the past couple of weeks, I have been getting over my shyness and reaching out more to people in my kitchen even though we have all been here since the start of October. I guess the real turning point was Halloween. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I just got talking to this girl on my floor and she said to get ready in 5 minutes and come out with a group of them from the kitchen (accomodation is divided around kitchens. I share a large kitchen with about 25 other people with corridors of rooms coming off each side). I ran back to my room, put my contacts back in and pulled on a knee length black skirt, black top and black tights (no costume to hand, best I could do). My standard boots finished me off and I was in the taxi heading into town with about 6 other people. It was fun. We went to a few bars and I was even able to pull off the get to know you small talk that had been so daunting before. Since then, I have been out again to a local club and hung out in the kitchen more rather than dwelling in my room. It does help but at the same time, it is kind of tainted. I wish he could be there to share in my happiness and it does feel awkward at times. I am not single so I don't want to be chatted up or have random guys come up to me and start grinding on me. At the same time, the person I do want to kiss and dance with is not here and it is a bit uncomfortable to see everyone else around me kissing etc. I am not the cheating kind. I am faithful (and expect the same of him). It's just I miss having the love physically there in front of me.

I will not let this turn into one big relationship rant. It is a part of my life, a very important part, but it is not all I am. Also under the heading of distraction tactics, I auditioned for a campus production of The Vagina Monologues. This is the first vaguely dramatic thing I have done since GCSE drama. I really hope I get a part as it is a really important cause. Performances around Valentines Day raise money to end violence against women. Regardless I will be supporting this and helping in any way I can. Plus I really want to try acting again. I want to be able to stand up for causes I believe in in public and not be afraid.

The final thing I will mention is that as of today, I am exercising more and eating more healthily. I am not on a diet and I don't want to lose weight. I am 5'1" and about 100-110lbs. If anything I want to gain some weight but I just want to feel healthier and have more energy.

Ok, this turned out to be an entry of essay length proportions. But a lot has happened in these past few days. I'll try to update more regularly so it won't come to this so often. I should really get on with my work now. Enough procrastination.